Posted by Guardian on
THE first time out with him, he was so charming and courteous, he was simply wonderful. You found him so irresistible but slowly he began to change.
THE first time out with him, he was so charming and courteous, he was simply wonderful. You found him so irresistible but slowly he began to change. Words of affection are replaced by biting sarcasm and belittling criticism. At first you waved it off as mere clumsy but affectionate teasing. But the situation persists, things escalate into a recurring pattern of verbal attacks, outbursts of anger, and expressions of deep remorse, by you on the grounds that you are responsible for the misbehaviour. You suffer in silence hoping that things will change but behold, they did not. Your boy friend now takes to yelling and screaming. During one fit of rage, he gives you a violent shove! You're scared that he might hit you the next time. Now you're so embarrassed and confused. You don't know what to do.
Pause a while and think about the cause of this problem. Could it be as a result of some traits in you that he finds unbearable, could it be some of your habits? Do a self examination and try to see things from his own perspective. Agreed screaming or yelling or getting violently angry is not the way to express his discontent towards you. Sit him down when he is in a good mood and trash things out with him amicably rather than returning scream for scream, remember that "two wrongs can't make a right".
However, you might not even be the cause of his out burst. It might be as a result of his background. Perhaps, he was raised in an atmosphere where violence and abusive speech were the rules rather than the exception, a situation that may have affected him psychologically and he lives such life, believing it to be normal. If that is him, there's really nothing you can do about it. Your worth as a person will also help you in making the right decision about people like that. Also remember, constant criticism or insults may be an indicator that the relationship is not healthy.
Here are some danger signs to watch out for:
(1) If he often makes demeaning remarks about you, your family or friends, either when you are alone or when you're with others.
(2) If he usually ignores your wishes and feelings.
(3) If he tries to control every aspect of your life, insisting on knowing your whereabouts at all times and making all decisions for you.
(4) If he yells at you, pushes or threatens you.
(5) If he tries to talk you into making expressions of affection against your wish and;
(6) When you can hardly do anything without worrying whether it might in some way irritate him.
All of these are danger signs to watch out for in a relationship. It is better to know and avoid such relationship than falling prey and regretting.
In every relationship, there's bound to be misunderstandings and disagreement. The way these misunderstandings are settled goes a long way to tell the depth of love that exists in such a relationship. In case you are already a victim of an abusive relationship what can you do? Just keep in touch with this column. We'll talk about that next week. Keep having fun!