• Home
• Columnist
• Videos
• Artist
  • Musicians
  • Actors
  • Comedians
• Notable Nigerians
• Legend Dies
• Articles
  • Nigeria Articles
• Photos
• Submit Article

Author: Prof Johnson Odesola
Posted to the web: 10/15/2010 3:57:46 PM


IS THERE ANY HARM IN SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE?

 

Falling in love is unforgettable experience. One day life seems to be going on in much the usual way and the next-well the poets and the songwriters have tried to capture the champagne feeling but, honestly, can you put it in words?

    Our society, so it would seem, is obsessed with sex. Most popular magazines, modern films, numerous television programs, many commercial adverts and part of the music industry are bluntly designed to arouse and ‘play on’ our sexual urges and desire.

    Put the two together - sex and falling in love - and you’ve got the most explosive potential known to man (feminists please add’ and woman’). The agony and the ecstasy of it, the pain and the pressure. ‘Oh, have you been in love, me boy oh, have you felt the pain,’ sang John McCormack years ago. And he went on,’ I’d be sooner be in jail me-self than be in love again.’

    Christian, being human, are no different from anybody else when it comes to the experience of sex and falling in love.’ If you prick us, do we not bleed?’ complained Shylock on behalf of his fellow Jews. So, too, we feel our sexuality and its potency just as much as anyone else and we’d be in a much worse states if we didn’t. There is nothing wrong, about feeling the power of erotic love and its physical and emotional aspects.

The more I dig into the Bible the more I convinced I become that the God of all the earth is pro-sex. If you are looking for anti-sex information or ammunition, you will not find it in Godâ's book. God created it, Paul reminds us (1 Timothy 4:4) or as David also expresses it (Psalms 139:13-15 L.B). The Bible is never anti-sex. You will find nothing negative in it about the act of sexual intercourse itself. In fact, it language in describing the sex act is extravagant and views it as a celebration. However, pre-marital sex is immoral regardless of what the current thinking might be. Being in love constitutes no grounds and is certainly no condition for pre-marital sex. The only condition for a sexual relationship is marriage. A sexual relationship other than with your husband or wife is either perversion or adultery and fornication. If you refrain from sex at this time in your life when your physiological desires are at their height, you would have demonstrated discipline restraint, trust and respect, all of which crucial to a successful marriage. Here is why: In marriage you and your wife will normally see each other every day, but there are still those periods when you will be apart. You may be on business trip or one of you may be physically ill or your wife may be carrying a baby. If you have refrained from immoral act now, you will have undergone the best training and discipline for restraining yourself from immoral acts during your marriage.

 Strange as it may sound initially, one of the best reasons for refraining from pre-marital sex is that it eliminates any chance you have of really getting to know who you want to marry. Once you start a sexual relationship that is all you and the would-be spouse will think about and plan for. You will plot scheme, manoeuvre, manipulate and otherwise move heaven and earth to find the time and place for a sexual rendezvous.    

    What Godâ's word does insist on is sexual intercourse in the relationship for which it was designed, marriage. Someone once said that intercourse is Godâ's weeding present for married couples, to be unwrapped on the weeding night within the commitment of marriage.

    Isn’t strange that I need to have to say that? Strange, that a Christian has to defend sexuality as a Godâ's-given thing? You open your Bible and you come to the Song of Solomon. There it is, an oriental love poem extolling the beauty of the beloved and the desirability of making love to such a wonderful person. Itâ's there in the Bible Lush imagery, warm with passion, taut with unfulfilled desire.

    So why is it in the Bible? Surely to show that the God who made human beings in his own image and planned that ‘ the two shall become one flesh’ means it to be that way. How sad is it that Christian down the ages have wrapped it and twisted it until some of them have become ashamed even to think of their own or anotherâ's sexuality. It disturbs me to meet so many people for whom sex and spirituality are completely unrelated—or exist as opposites. For those who were brought up in a world where religious influence was nonexistent or plain ineffective, it may be a novel idea to consider that sex can be spiritual. Others, like me, grew up in a war between spirituality and sensuality. In my loving Baptist family, the word 'sex' could stop conversations and make everyone freeze in embarrassment.

 

Some Implied Commandment about sex

Ethics The first step in the spiritual life is to move beyond narcissism and self-absorption. This is not a glamorous suggestion, but it is essential: Treat your partner honestly, respectfully, and kindly. It's as simple as that. Spirituality begins in achieving a basic but difficult aspect of maturity—not being selfish. This doesn't mean that you don't take care of yourself and have full satisfaction in your sexual life, but, as the spiritual traditions consistently teach, love your neighbour as yourself.

Partnership Sex is a union of persons, not only bodies. You can prepare for sex by being an interesting person, bringing with you your intelligence, culture, ideas, values, and talents. It's one thing to make love with a pretty body and another to be intimate with a real person. You can take time to talk to your partner, maybe at dinner before the act. Don't be afraid to talk about the things that matter. Letting a closely guarded thought emerge can lead to a physical sense of release. If you can’t do this with your partner at dinner, then your sex may not be anything special

Vision A spiritual person has a broad vision. He or she is interested in God, life, meaning, and the world. Vision is an aspect of transcendence and a reach beyond self. Sex usually begins and ends in conversation. Visionary talk, in contrast to mundane and self-centered chatter, can be vital and erotic.

Contemplation Spirituality benefits from some kind of meditation in the word of God, a stepping outside the ordinary reality. Lovemaking can have a contemplative quality—taking time, allowing yourself to dream Godâ's mind on marriage, giving in not only to passion but also to the timeless intimacy of sex. 'To stand outside,' and it doesn’t have to have the swoon factor that people sometimes associate with it. Ecstasy can be a steady, calm progress to a state that is tranquil and otherworldly.

Spirituality Sex is as much a spiritual as anything done in church or worship centers. A spiritual is an action that speaks primarily about relationship with God and our reaction on the earth as his ambassadors. It doesn't have much practical meaning. Some people like to justify sex by seeing it as a way to make babies or to express love. Obviously it can do these things, but it can also be a means that evokes the spirituality of the relationship especially in marriage.

Generosity Sex can be virtuous without being repressive or too clean. The great virtue in sex is generosity, the capacity to offer an abundance of feeling, intelligence, and equality to your spouse. This doesn't mean surrendering completely or giving away too much, but rather a thoughtful and moderate offering of self. Again, this is a traditional spiritual virtue applied to the special realm of sex.

Beauty Sex has a lot to do with appreciating the beauty of the human body and the person. You don't have to be a stunner or even pretty or handsome. Fortunately, sexual passion allows us to see the beauty of the body in small elements and gestures. Loving the person also helps, because the beauty of the personality usually gets transferred to the body.

Prayer Prayer takes many forms. Even the monks have said that to work is to pray. You may or not say formal prayers before sex, but you can bring to it such an appreciation for its power to express love and to make unions that it becomes a prayer.

Community Spirituality involves reaching beyond the self. Sex is quite private, but a good sex life can help make a good community. One of the results of good sex is joy of togetherness, pure and simple, an antidote to the often depressive, cynical tone of modern life, with its tendency to dehumanize and make excessive demands. When people have a joyful, positive outlook, they are capable of community.

The two extremes

Right. So sex (in the sense of sexuality) is good, glorious and God-inspired. It is a part of my humanity, a great creative aspect of my being made-in-his-image and I will not debase it into a sordid, shameful, guilt-ridden desire, to be kept under and repressed.

   But the world is not short of fools. Always manage to get things upside down. And the fools have really made a fine old mess of sex. On the other side are the Christian fools who come in two sizes. The first ruined sex by their fear of its power. There have let fear dominate them and there have even been extremists who have castrated themselves in the hope that such step would solve the problem.

 

But there is also the other kind of naïve Christian who forget that man was made in Godâ's image is a child of what the bible calls the “Fall”. Christian or no, we all have the capacity to taint what we touch. We aren’t perfect. We are sinners even when forgiven; ‘At one and the same time;’ wrote Martin Luther, sinners and, yet, justified. The Christians who can’t believe himself or {herself} is capable of sin is in need of some hard study in Johnâ's first letter. And if sin, then sin to field of sex is just as possible as in any other areas of life.

    Of course we mustn’t forget the other sorts of fools. As the Psalmist wrote, ‘The fools are said to himself; “there is no God”’ (Psalms 14:1). In twentieth-century Africa there are plenty of fools like that whose lives admit of no creator, nor master and so, quite logically, of no restraints upon their behaviour. For them, sex is an appetite to be satisfied as and when they wish and with whom they wish. No Christian can possibly accept their view of life or their way of living it. It is as simple as this: I am a man under authority. I am not my own master. I have been bought for an unbelievable price, the life-blood of Jesus Christ.

 

Freedom to choose rights

That means just this. I gladly accept that any sexuality is God-given. But I also sadly accept that my sexuality is a field ripe for self exploitation. Itâ's one aspect of my sinful nature. Only one. But itâ's still there and I dare not delude myself into forgetting it. Itâ's not my sexuality thatâ's shameful. Itâ's me.

    So I treat sex and all that goes with it with respect. Know it can be great as an experience. I know too that it can go wrong as an experience. But right or wrong, enjoyable or frustrating, as an experience is only one side of it. The other is the right or wrong of the actual motives and action in moral terms. For the whole sex and falling-in- love bit needs both to be right-the experience and the morality?

    Christians therefore accept what they believe to be creative restraint upon their sexuality. They don’t go to bed with people at the drop of a hat (nor should it be a skirt?). They don’t treat each otherâ's bodies as amusement arcades - mere fun palaces. They know the way that their chemistry works and the powerful instincts which a bit of the old slap-and –tickle arouses. They are cautious about rushing into wild embrace simply because itâ's enjoyable. In other words, Christian believes in marriage or to use the language of sociologist, in permanent pair-bonding. They see the union of two bodies sexually as the symbol of a total commitment - ‘the two become one flesh’ to which they add’ under one master-God.’ And they keep sexual intercourse within that relationship.

 

Watch out

Get that foundation principle clear and you’re on the right road to sorting out the practical questions which face every young unmarried boy or girl.

    So what are the practical questions? Letâ's take them in the logical order;

 

First question; Are there any limitations on which I should go out with? Answer: If God is my master then I cannot contemplate a relationship with someone who refuses to accept his Lordship. Thatâ's not a petty restriction. Itâ's an obvious part of my discipleship. And suppose I experience ‘falling in love’ with an unbeliever. Does that make it right? No, certainly not. After all, if I ‘fall in love’ with someone whoâ's already married, it doesn’t make adultery right.’ Falling in love is not a self-validating experience. Lots of people are very prone to ‘falling in love.’ But my emotions along are no sure guide to what is a right course of action. My feeling may be like of yo-yo. Only a fool lets his feelings, his moods and his emotions, become master of his actions.

Second question: How far can I go? As Eric Morecambe would say,’ there is no answer to that.’ But there are useful pointers. Try asking yourself whether you are doing whatever you’re doing because you like it or because it is a genuinely appropriate action at the state which your total relationship has reached. In short, the it ought to be a mile-stone at the end of a part of your inter-personal journey, not the sign post at the beginning. I’ve tried to spell all this out in my book, Key to a happy marriage, why not read that?

Last question; Must every friendship be started with one eye on the possibility of the wedding ring or altar consummation? Answer of course not. Men and Women can and should learn to be good friends as Christians. But it doesn’t take long to realize that once the touching starts itâ's better to be open with each other and sort things out or someone is sure to get hurt. Good friends don’t have to be lovers (even in terms of the most minimal intimacies) but they do need to know just where it stands. That is only fair. Kisses do have a way of being misinterpreted.

    Underlying it all is prayer. ’Lord’ please guide me and keep me from making a fool of myself or from hurting anyone else. Please show me the way which is your way and give me courage to take it.’ That kind of prayer gets answered.

    When I am writing this to myself I said, ‘Itâ's impossible to do justice to it in a few hundred words.’ So it is. That is why you read more in the book ‘Keys to a happy marriage. May be you will have a taste for the book. In the meantime put God first and thank him for your sexuality. Then ask him to help you to use it responsibly. Thatâ's what itâ's all about.

 

 

 

Further reading

Michael Saward. And so to Bed? (Good Reading)

Tony Cummings, Steve Goddard and Gill Smith. 20th Century Sex: UK Word Publishing, 1986

Tom Bathgate. So Whatâ's Next? UK OM Publishing. 1992

Johnson .F. Odesola, Keys To a Happy Marriage: Nigeria. 2000

 

Johnson Odesola (PhD) is a Regional Coordinator in the Redeemed Christian Church of God and a Professor of Divinity with Trinity International  Institute of Advance Studies UK/US. He is presently a missionary in Southern Africa based in Zambia