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Author: Professor JOhnson Odesola
Posted to the web: 10/15/2010 3:36:16 PM


The Question of Love, Sex in Marriage After marriage it is generally observed that the bond between the individuals strengthen and grown stronger as time goes by. Once when individuals start spending time together, they also understand each other's need and being more committed to each otherâ's feeling and sentiments. Physical intimacy or love comes before marriage but true unconditional love sets in only after marriage. Even years after marriage people continue to love each other and this is love becomes more dense and strong because of their sense of understanding for each other.A few things which happen to love after marriage are:Commitment: Love gets enamoured in commitment after marriage. It also gets interwoven with trust and empathy and once this begins to happen then true love begins to grown in your relationship. It is then that you begin to gradually make sense of your relationship and figure out that you want to be together foreverMore understanding: Any relationship grows when you give time and effort to it. Love after marriage starts only when you think the way your spouse think. You should be his or her mirror image. So unconditional love comes about once you develop a higher sense of understanding of the like and dislikes of your partner.Adapting to the culture:True love happens when you mould yourself according to your partner's interest, family values and background. This could be based on her culture and background from which she comes. True and unconditional real love comes when the partners accede and concede for each other by developing a respect and a broad understanding for each others cultures and background.Understanding responsibilities and commitments: Love after marriage gets draped in commitments and responsibilities. The degree of commitment increases after marriage. One could say that after individuals gradually align their interests based on their partner's commitments. That apart, you become answerable to your partner for the actions and deeds which in turn induces a sense of responsibilities in the acts of the individuals. This also shows the degree of caring which one individual has for another. These decisions could vary from your personal to your professional sphere. Family & Expectations:After marriage partners begin to have a sense of expectation as far reading a family is concerned. To take the unconditional love to the next pedestal there is a need felt by the couple to have kids. The family bears testimony to the unconditional love between the partners and the trust and faith which they share with each other.Love before MarriageLove before marriage is a fruit which is ripening. It needs to be nurtured properly so that it ripens in the best manner possible. All the same, there are chances of its being exposed to a few dangers too but then chances are that these things help it to become a better fruit. Love before marriage has many features which make it unique, some of them are:You are still single: Before marriage, even though you are into a relationship, you are still single. You need to fend for yourself emotionally and physically! Your partner may be around you to comfort and spend time but you perceive the world as a single. Although you slowly begin to get into a mindset of a married person, you are still not there completely.Change in lifestyle:Before marriage, a person is his /her own self. He/ she does not change the way of living because the institution of marriage has no binding on the individual. In other words, the person is a free bird, free to act according to his/her will and to do what he /she feels is in the best of his/her interest.Decision making:Decision making is entirely a one person's job although you might be dating seriously. This means that even the smallest of decisions would be taken by you and you would hold the reins completely of what is good and bad for you.The other side of this issue is the impact of your decision making does not have an impact on your partner for you are not into a relationship as yet.Pamper yourself:Before marriage you have the distinction of pampering yourself by doing things which you like the most. This could be wearing your favourite set of clothes or hanging out at your favourite restaurant. You do care for your partner with whom you are into a relationship but that element of sharing does not exist. Commitment:The degree of commitment is also less before marriage. One could say that pre marriage is the period that people are into the process of committing themselves to their partner's interests. That apart, you still answerable to yourself for your actions and deeds and no one else is involved in the picture. These decisions could vary from your personal to your professional sphere. The commitments one has also do not undergo a great deal of change and remain more or less confined to the interests of the individual as against after marriage.Physical intimacy:Intimacy does exist but you do not share a part of your self emotionally and physically with another person. Generally people are in the process of getting this act together before marriage. Sex in Love MarriageSex in love marriages are special for it is reminiscent of not only the physical intimacy shared by the couple but the entire experience of coming to together, from falling in love to marriage.It has been discovered by Italian scientists that the biochemical state of falling in love is similar to obsessive compulsive disorder. The yearning of couples to be together and learn about each other in intimate detail is overwhelming. They tend to grab every opportunity to show affection and get as close as possible to one another. During this period sex can be very exciting.Difference between casual sex and sex in loveThere's still some of the mystery of casual sex and also some risk.  The difference is that sex is more mutual when we've fallen in love.  In a love marriage, sex is more than mere physical intimacy.  It's about giving and sharing ourselves physically and emotionally. As well as sexual satisfaction, we can expect to feel emotional fulfilment  Sex in a relationship after love has its own set of positives such as gaining knowledge about the opposite partner. It also helps develop a mutual sense of trust between the partners. Individuals feel more open to try different means to spice up their sexual desires. This would not be possible if the distances are not narrowed between them which could happen only when they trust each other!  Casual sex has its own set of disadvantages. There is a certain sense of risk and mystery involved in it. Individuals barely have any knowledge and understanding of each other and their respective background and what they seek is an urge to satiate their sexual hunger  There is a certain sense of urgency and the focus is primarily on physical satisfaction of desires. The experience is mechanical in nature and does not involve any love making aspects. Individuals look to get done with the act of making love in a haste and instead of prolonging it and understanding the partner Sex in a relationship which sprouts from love offers an opportunity to the individuals to grow together and become great lovers. It may not be possible to recapture the mystery of casual sex but there's a much higher chance of all-round fulfillment.When a relationship matures, sex matures. You now have the advantage of knowing each other well. Fear of rejection is replaced with trust and security. This allows you to move into a stage of experimentation and mutual growth. You can take the time to fine-tune your skills as a lover.Johnson Odesola (PhD) is a Regional Coordinator in the Redeemed Christian Church of God and a Professor of Divinity with Trinity International Institute of Advance Studies UK/US. He is presently a missionary in Southern Africa based in Zambia