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Author: Professor Johnson Odesola
Posted to the web: 2/6/2007 3:53:30 PM

There is a circumstance that affects a huge portion of male population. It causes severe anxiety and depression, cripples self-esteem, undermines and destroys marriages. The men described here suffer from this sickness. They are not drug addict or schizophrenics, or senators. They are nice men.

 

Lots of people are nice. We live in a world that encourages niceness, even enforces it. A person needs to know how to follow rules, play with other and rub folks the right way in order to succeed.

But the nice man goes further than this. He is nice whether it’s called for or not. He is nice when he’s ignored or even insulted. He is nice when he want to be liked and navigates his world by accommodating and acquiescing, by trying to please. And he quite helps himself.

 

I would like to emphasise the difference between being nice and being kind but often, they end up being the exact opposite. Indeed, the trademark of a nice man is sacrificing kindness at the altar of niceness. Such a man will choose niceness over truth, intimacy, serenity, fun-virtually anything.

 

Nice men personalities vary, they can painfully shy or the life of the party. Appear classically masculine effeminate and be home, heterosexual. Some consider themselves conservative while others see themselves as liberal moderate. But what distinguishes the nice men from the ideal is that often, he reflexively gives up what he needs, wants, and values.

 

Nice men are afraid to be themselves. Take for example Mbewe, who I wrote about sometimes ago in this column. He ended up having a louse birthday because he could not bring himself to tell his friends how he really wanted to celebrate his big day. His passivity flows from a strategy to keep people from abandoning him. He tries not to be a burden to his friends or to bug, rankle, ruffle, or otherwise bother them. As a result he doesn’t get what he wants and feel misunderstood and unwanted. And much to his chagrin, people get bugged, rankled, and bothered by his passivity! Nice men often take romantic idealization to the extreme. Meet Sam, for example. Every morning, he takes his cappuccino at his favourite coffee house. Chewe the waitress always remembers how he likes his coffee.  She has a pretty smile and if there aren’t too many people around, she asks Sam how things are going. Sam adores Chewe and for the last two years has wanted to ask her out on a date. Some days, he dreams of the beautiful relationship he is sure they would have. Other times he tortures himself with thoughts that she is sure to reject him. Sometimes he even skips his latte because he is angry with her or disgusted with himself. Sam is exhibiting what is called the’ goddess construct’, a concept we shall explore in further articles. This condition’ manifests itself in a number of ways. For Sam, the symptoms include: being preoccupied with a woman he doesn’t know very well, replacing real experiences with ecstatic fantasies, frequent fear of being rejected, and deep-seated feeling of sadness and anger. Sam is stark on an emotional Ferris Wheel, cycling through the high and lows without really getting anywhere. He hates his neediness and anxiety but finds only brief respite from these feelings.

 

However, it’s cruel to emphasise that nice men have within them untapped reservoirs of strength, courage, love and honesty and want to be men in every sense of the world.

 

Johnson Odesola (PhD) is a Regional Coordinator in the Redeemed Christian Church of God and a Professor of Divinity with European Theological Seminary UK & Trinity International University. He is presently a missionary in Southern Africa based in Zambia